I cried at the end…..

‘There’s no way to know what makes one thing happen and not another. What leads to what. What destroys what. What causes what to flourish or die or take another course’. Cheryl Strayed

When I read this, in the book ‘Wild’ as I finished it this afternoon in my favourite room of my rented house, I read over it several times. I really resonated with those words.

It’s strange, as I had watched the movie of this book randomly one night last year after my breakup and soon after without her knowing, my friend Anya who lives in the States had sent me the book with a gorgeous letter, words handwritten inside the cover and a self care box full of beautiful treats.

As I had mentioned in my previous post, I had not been ready to read this book at the time of receiving it. I was still so full of raw emotions from a beautiful love that had ended so abruptly.

I’ve not really spoken too much about the details of my break up and I won’t as some things are good to be left private and respected but I can share my feelings on some stuff.

The love Travis and I had was immense. Our courtship was so public as we lived our love for another out loud on social media and took all that we knew along for the journey.

We were two humans destined to be with one another. I had thought for a lifetime but later learnt it was only for a season.

We never argued in our entire 5 years as a couple, even when we spent a solid 18 months together day in day out traveling across the globe. He is the most patient, giving, deeply emotional and loving human I’ve ever known.

Our love for one another was deep but when tragedy struck with him being diagnosed with terminal cancer nearly 3 years ago now, how we dealt with it at the time in hindsight was probably not the best way.

I was determined to be strong for both of us, keeping as much normality as possible but I’m afraid the one thing he needed the most was for me to show how much I loved and cared for him. I didn’t really know how to do this as I was secretly within myself dying and so sad that I knew the man I had chosen for life would be taken away from me by an illness there was no cure for.

Stupid idiot me really, because in the end I had kept myself so busy, training for Ironman’s, working full time, running a start up brand, I became distant from the one person whom I loved the most.

No one gives you a manual on how to deal with cancer or the trauma/tragedy that a person goes through and continues to go through when they have been given this kind of news.

I felt giving him all the freedom he needed to do whatever his heart desired was the right thing to do. But I was wrong. Had I not been so into myself and how I was feeling and how I wanted for us to be the way we were before we had received the news, I would have seen how lonely and sad my husband had become.

Reading ‘Wild’ during lockdown has allowed me to release what I have been holding onto. Even though it is over, I often wondered if we could/would ever reconcile and work through things having better insight to what I’ve learnt is important in a relationship. However, I’ve accepted that this is actually not going to happen.

Next month, June 4 it will be officially one year since being asked for a divorce. I have also not physically seen my husband since June 18, 2019. We’ve spoken. We go through ups and down of emotions. Or maybe I should correctly say I go through ups and downs of emotions in my communications with him. I guess one would say that is normal when going through a seperation.

When I chose to get married after being engaged twice before, I married for life. Unfortunately it will not be for life. It will be just for a season.

And what a wonderful season it was. Filled with so much genuine love, vulnerability like I’ve never experienced, adventure, lifetime experiences, highs, and a couple of lows.

We may no longer be together but he will always be the one true love I’ve ever had to this current day in my life and I only ever wish now that he has the very best of whatever time he has left.

I’m so grateful for everything you did for me, you gave me, and for the insurmountable love that I was lucky to have ever experienced.

Now I let you go from me and I move forward free and ready for the next abundant chapter of my life.

Xx